Transformation of a splintered mind and body with right pills

Writing this post by taking inspiration from my running friend, Kieran Ryan and world champion, Jayrd Clifford. It took too much courage to pen down. Thanks for being an inspiration gentlemen.


In 2011, I had 2 choices in my life when it was all crashing down - 

•  Get into addiction with all the problems and try to forget the pain. This was an easy solution as most of the people do and head on to the path of destruction 

• Get on with life, start bringing in changes and lead a lifestyle which would be envy for others, contribute to things which can help others to be happy 

What went next had brought me here today. Some would be surprised, others may be laughing and some may decide to think in a different way. Whatever would be the next result, I am happy to embrace it all.
    
Many my acquaintances say that I am always enjoying my life looking while posting on social media about my running and volunteering activities. I always post to acknowledge wonderful friends who took their time to make my day. Without them, the day would have ended on an empty note. Unfortunately, many see it in a different angle. No one would be into any activities without a reason behind them. For some it’s a matter of learning, or a fitness thing, or a way to beat stress. For others, it’s a way of making use of their time to come out of shell, learn new things and drive their lives in a positive direction.

Firstly, I would like to say that what all goes in social media is not to impress others. It might show a happy side of a person, but little it says about their dark side. Many of my friends or contacts who would always say that i have enough free time for activities, its the direction i went with determination to keep myself active and move ahead in a positive direction of life with where i had been.




It’s been a Lonely, depressed, isolated and troublesome journey which began in 2011 due to all worst things that came in personal life. With a firsthand experience of bullying, toxic relationship, isolation, discrimination, hatred, constant failures, painful legal battle, rejections, criticisms, shaming, breaking of trust, professional drubbing, troublesome time for family, losing friends, deep depressed state and the list continues on. It was a loaded blockbuster package that was creating a state of sadness and emptiness with deep roots pushing me to hopelessness. 

Something had to be done to clean the wounds and scars that caused due to this. I was badly pushing myself to a no man’s zone midst of all these things without knowing where was the end.  Little did I have the courage or support to share my experience with others until i made the courage to bring change. It happened over time all because of being open, adapting and maintaining healthy habits, positive surroundings, amazing friends who would be there to listen and few helping hands. Of course, it’s a fact that all will not be OK with everyone. But in the days of darkness, if there is an lending ear and a real “friend”; it will always encourage you to get along the feet, be strong and move on with confidence.


Late 2011 where it all began to spiral down, it resulted in me being literally embarrassed to even go out, speak, ask support or do anything to be better. Always being silent and shy taking the beatings, mental mess started to creep and blocked the pathways of leading a good life. Somehow, I wanted to escape of being alone and avoid further damage my mental and physical well-being. Unable bear it, started looking for options and decided to adapt medicine called hobby. Running was the first pill, it not only became a path to escape but, also a savior. To begin with, started to run alone and was not doing any good for me. Initially trying to run to escape from the bad emotions, wrong choices made me to push hard and body took beatings, but I had no time to listen in midst of all these.

Months passed by, and nothing was moving in right directions. Lack of mental peace was always there and this was just going nowhere. I was just running nowhere, punishing body, racing all weekend and it was a path for disaster. Even training sessions were getting much harder always. No partners at training, no one supporting, there was a void in everything in what i was achieving. I had to go at odd times to ensure that i didn't breakdown during trainings. Weekends were nothing but running alone in office campus to keep my emotions in check. Even though it was brief escape from the bad memories, had to take it as it came. But, in meanwhile added a tweak and decided to run in team events. Accolades and recognition came along the way. I was able to hide the sad face behind for a while. Due to memories of bad life experiences, anxiety creeping in it was difficult to keep a stable mind and i was considered not a good team player. Many of them started to maintain a safe distance due to this. Things moved on without any change for some more time. It was until December 2013, where an accident in which a near escape from death brought some change in my life.

Late in 2013,  got involved in running group at my city and started to go along to group running sessions occasionally. As a group, Mysoorunners were running in many events and I was happy to be part of it. I got an opportunity to meet some new friends who encouraged me to improve running and inspect a new direction. Also, my physio was there to ensure that I was race fit in midst of all the mess. It was wonderful to have her help me in those hard times to keep me running. Whenever I reach Mysore, I ensure that I meet them and spend some time discussing my life experience at Melbourne.

By 2014, With some success in running on hand,I started to see wins in races, collect trophies and medals, but the void existed and with lingering battles, i was still crawling. Finishing races was never becoming happier for me. Moments of joy which was to be there was missing. With still battling loneliness anxiety and depressed mind, I was still trying look for help and a positive direction. In midst of it, had a very bad dip in professional career and personal life was still getting hit badly. There seemed to be no end in sight. It had to stop at any cost. In all the mess, had a fortune of moving out from clutch of bad people at work. With running seeing a dip due to all these things, was emotionally drained and health was getting impacted. To be mentally strong, fit and continue running, i made a choice of becoming a pacer at running events deciding to race less, help others  and find some solace. This was one of the ways to be happy at the moment and contribute to the running community which was helping me to improve my well-being. Also, it became a way of meeting new friends, hear their experiences and forget things for the moment. Talking to them while running would always help me to distract the depressed mood and forget the emotional pain. It was not easy to get a pacing role initially. But, to my luck I was getting them. Till date, I have contributed towards 25+ pacing duties and have a satisfaction of building myself as a person and helping running friends to get their goal of PB. In midst of this, pacing has shaped a person in me and focus towards reaching goals without getting distracted. With pacing, I had an opportunity to travel across multiple places, got to see amazing runners, see the wider aspect of life, meet some heroes and getting to know the culture of the place. More importantly, helped me to open up and break the silence. It also helped me to get up-close with running legends of the world. Special thanks to Tim Crosbie and Pat Carroll who have always provided me an opportunity to pace at the best races in Australia.

Call it a path to lucky escape, I came to Melbourne in 2016 for the 3rd time. I saw this as an opportunity of bringing change in myself. First thing was to get into running groups to make great friends, improve my running and adapt my mind to a pain free world. Recovery mode was on at slow pace. Instead of spending time sleeping at home and inviting all problems again, i decided to use this opportunity wisely. Time spent in reaching to venue, training and talking to follow runners not only helped me to forget problems for a while, but also gave me courage that I was not alone and could hide the pain. While medicine was working, so was happiness which was blooming, but always the other side of the mind was poking its nose to drive me down emotionally and increase anxiety. Being with running groups gave me confidence to move along and enjoy the sport which I used to punish myself. It also taught me to help others when they wanted to reach their goal and in turn reach finish line with happiness. Running also helped me to meet some amazing life coaches who had advice ready without expecting anything. Running has taken me across the world over the years. Over time, i have begun  to enjoy every training session where I was not only getting countless encouragements but also love, support and confidence from fellow runners to whom I am grateful today. There were some amazing photographer friends who have been instrumental in bringing out the photogenic runner of mine. Running has worked well with me giving a gift of happy mind ,a healthy body, moving me out of darkness, isolation and failure. Even today, when I am running or pacing there are voices who call my name on the course and it makes me super proud. Even world champions talk to me now. What else you can ask?

With purpose to connect and contribute to the community which was helping me to be a better person, dived into the world of  volunteering activities in 2014. It not only made me confident and outgoing person. Gateway opened to meet diverse set of people whilst contributing to the benefit community. Kept my mind busy without getting to let the depression and loneliness to creep into me. With over 100+ events across the world where I have contributed a volunteer, I feel proud of myself. There were questions that what is the need to go out rather than sitting at home?  Why are you working for free in sunshine, rain and cold?. Reason was, you will not feel alone and would get time to involve yourself so much that you will forget about negative thoughts. In process, you learn, transform yourself and see the world in a new perspective a person. It’s not about getting paid while you work, it’s the mental satisfaction what you get while contributing to the success of the event and community. I have personally felt it over the years and the thank you’s would make you feel proud. No one discriminates you there based on your age, sexual orientation, color and ethnicity. Being offered to work as a volunteer at Paralympics, IAAF world championships, Asian games and other world class events, I have had an opportunity to feel proud of myself that i got out and decided to change myself. Working at Rio Paralympic games, had an opportunity to see the world from a different perspective. Fellow volunteers, Elite Para athletes and public were so welcoming that they made you one among them. Saw the rich and poor side of things, made long term friends and most importantly learnt that whatever mess you are in, you have support from all corners. Volunteering teaches you some hard, valuable and great lessons in the process. As time goes on, my involvement in volunteering is always on.

Meanwhile decided to get involved in Athletics officiating to give back to Athletics. Initially hesitant of going as I was an outsider, made a brave attempt to take the plunge. Not only, I was welcomed, but also allowed to work at multiple events and mentored. I was not expecting this at any point. This opened a door of keeping myself busy the whole day over some weekends and beat the demons of depression and loneliness. Not only, I was getting my skills updated, but got to hear and see the great athletes of Australia. Personally, meeting them was another moment of happiness. Getting to know many greats and the adversities which they overcame to become starts not only inspired me to move on, but also gave me strength to face the demons which were dragging me down.

In free time, started to do solo trips, attend some great events at Melbourne. It used to be painful sometimes where i was in middle of alien places and not knowing the danger of what would happen. But it was a window to mental peace, view the outside life and a time for self. Did exploration of places with own wish and will without any bounds. Of course, there were some isolation, but the time spent over it was very helpful. Realized how life can be amazing or cruel. Got an opportunity to meet some great people during the process. Used this as a learning opportunity to get motivated and start contributing to goodness of self and society. 

That’s not all, began to read articles on personalities who have battled bad lifestyle and have overcome adversities in their lives. 2 articles personally changed me and always refer them to others. Firstly, it was by Kieran Ryan aka Kiz, who is Hunter A&R co-founder and part of Movember on how to be man of more words (Video) and other by World champion, Jaryd Clifford on another Elite Athlete Harry summers. These articles not only opened my eyes, but also enabled me to understand that speaking will always change a person. Slowly started to speak up and started to find support along the journey. Notably, my close friends whom I have very regular conversation now days. Many used to avoid, but some were fine to listen. Along with this, I learnt listen to my friends were are in bad state/mood. It really helps all to be strong and be comfortable.

Hobbies increased and picked art of exploring  music, read stories of artists and understand the lyrics behind the beautiful songs which were penned down. Music not only helped me to relax, but also became a companion during my runs. It was one of the ways to shut my anger while i was not happy and a tool for relaxation. Exploring the music not only introduced to me start writing, but also helped me to gain inspiration and learn lot of things in life.   

As on today, transformation process is still on going on with huge amounts of improvements. There are daily situations which bring back the old memories with some daily life instances but, I have learnt to take it in the hope of all would be better tomorrow. There are surprises, sad moments, isolation's and rejections that comes along the way. These wont bring me down or send me to a sad state but makes me stronger as i have learnt the steps to combat them. Also, during the phase of transformation never got into destructive zone of addiction. But, learnt to take the things as it came, tried to move on with determination and overcame the barriers. Even if it was a painful journey with what all i saw, experienced and missed but a sense of satisfaction resides in me as on today.

I would like to end this post by thanking everyone who has become a family in the journey; especially the below legends who have given their valuable time in their life for listening, helping and shaping me as a better person during my hard times. I owe countless thanks to them. Whatever good i do to them, it’s nothing in front of what they have given back.

Firstly, to my PG classmate Devaraja B V, He was instrumental in helping me to talk freely with him on all the problems i had. He had a lending ear to my problems.  was there to speak to me in deep shit times and giving confidence and giving me words of wisdom. Despite having his own messy times, he was kind enough to offer accommodation and extending a open invitation to his house for stays during my races at Bangalore. During the stay, would listen to me and would give confidence. Till date he always says , "More than making money, i am more interested in retaining valuable friends". A great friend for life and a gem.

Secondly, my ex-colleague Pradeep B P. This bloke always gets a friendly banter from me all times. But he has a good understanding of it. He was always saying that things would be better and always lent an ear to listen. Even while in US, he used to check on me on how I was doing and on weekends, leaving his party time had time to listen my junk talks. He was the one who was easily available to talk during hard times with positive words at Mysore. Thank you for being a patient listener in hard times.You have been an amazing friend.

Next, to my 2 loving running groups – Hunter athletics and recreation and Getitdone club, you pulled me out of all mess and improved me as a runner. No one asked me from where I was, who I am or what's your background. But, just embraced me with open arms, allowed me to train with you, helped me to forget all the problems i had. Without you, I would never had been so disciplined in life. For a person getting up at 9AM, you changed my lifestyle for good. You provided an identity, made me a confident, competitive and radiant athlete who can full send at races. Every race I race resulted in a PB for me. You even turned up to cheer me when I was racing for the first time in Australia on tracks. You not only portrayed me beautifully on the photographs that you have captured, gave affection, warm hugs, encouragement during and off the sessions which has helped me to be better and stronger person while letting go all my pains of my life. Now I can say hello to many runners while I am training alone which would have never happened earlier, its all because of you. Anything I owe you is less.

Next, to my other running friends, officials at Athletics Victoria at Melbourne and across Australia, be it Run Melbourne club or elite athletes or NRC, or AP:PM:RC or Adidas runners, Bryan and group with whom I have ran over the years. Big thank you for helping me to come out of loneliness, silence and helping me to be in running. You welcomed a stranger with open arms, provided support and enabled me to grow running network. No one discriminated me based on the color, religion, or the status I was in. Without you, I would have been another person lost in the woods. You gave me an opportunity to pace others, break my silence, helped me to contribute towards running, while trying to become a better person and gain new skillsets.

Thanks to few of my friends who really check on me occasionally even today. They also had time to listen to my crazy stories at time when I barged at their homes on weekends!! Also to few of my ex-colleagues who had confidence in me during the hard times of my professional life with whom i have a great relationship.

Lastly, it would be injustice if I don’t thank this person; Ru. Ru was exceptional in bringing some transformation in me. Friendship that started with miscommunication and mistaken identity has now become better. As conversations went on, was appreciative, realized my ignorance and haven’t got an opportunity to apologize for the mistake yet. Ru was also sharing highs and lows of the life which imparted valuable lessons for me. With the ongoing conversations, It helped me to really transform my life to a great extent. I have improved the art of listening. Thanks for the imparting the same . 

All three friends are rare and I owe a lot to these persons for bringing in change in me.

Things are moving on and would be better with all good vibes that might come. In midst of this, i have learnt and will never ever forget the help of various hands that has brought me here. I would always continue to pursue my passion of running and volunteering to help others along the way to bring joy and smile to others with all i have got.

I would Like to conclude by having one humble request to all readers. If you find any of your friends, relatives or colleagues who are not well, strike a conversation. It’s OK to ask them how they are and check on them. In moment of isolation or emotional pain, they need someone to talk to. They might not open immediately, but it gives them a ray of hope that they are not alone. Listen to them even if it’s junk for you. Try and help them, maybe you will be a guiding force for them. These things are not spoken by mainstream media or we practice due to insufficient information. Don’t stop or judge a person if they are from a different culture, background, sexual orientation, or have disability. Just go out and help them by striking a conversation. Think about if it was you and no one came to help!! It hurts. 

Also, if you are experiencing loneliness, distress, anxiety and depression, start to be confident and speak with your closed ones. May be there would be someone who can lend a helping hand/ear to heal your wounds.Thanks for taking your time to read this story and looking forward for you to help others to make their lives better. Adding to this, feel free to use the wealth resources online which you can help yourselves and others.

• Movember Foundation
• Beyond Blue
• R U Ok?

 Thanks for your time and have a great day.